Drowning
by not.unknown
Summary: How did Jenny feel when Jethro was with Hollis. What happens when she takes drastic measures to prevent herself from feeling the pain. Beginning Mibbs. Maybe some Jibbs later on.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Not exactly sure where this story is going but, I like the way it starts. It is a little confusing though, with all the points of view switching back and forth. I believe you can tell who is talking where though. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or any of the characters.**

The angry red marks criss-crossed and laced up and down her arms. She was working non-stop and hadn't slept in almost three days. She was surviving solely on coffee, enough to even give him a run for his money. Not that it was something to be proud of.

She was done thinking about him; the pain he had caused her. She had given up everything to get to where she was today and she couldn't begrudge him happiness. Even if it hurt her every time he was with _her_. The blonde bimbo. They flaunted their relationship especially in the bullpen. Stolen glances across the room, caresses. Even standing closer than normal.

Whenever she saw them she wanted to puke. And that's when it started. It was just to ease the pain. And it had worked for a while, until everything got worse. Then it wasn't just cutting, it was not eating, drinking heavily after work. Every cut, every drink, every skipped meal just showed her that she was in control. That she had power.

NCIS

Every night, she tossed and turned her dreams haunting her. She stopped sleeping for fear of seeing what lay behind her eyes. So she buried herself in paperwork. At least that kept away the dreams of her father, and of him. No matter how many times she ran towards him, her father always pulled the trigger.

With _him_ it was worse, it would start with them happy together and then, a bullet would pierce the skin in his chest. She watched him bleed out so many times that she had memorized, what bullet wound took the most time and which killed instantly. She would wake up screaming drenched in sweat, tears running down her face. She would shake herself awkae, grab some coffee and take a shower. She never went back to sleep after these dreams. They hurt too much.

She wasn't sure when exactly the cutting had started or when it had become a regular occurrence. At first she had just slipped when she was cutting an apple. But the stress that was released when the blade pierced her pale skin had liberated her. She was lucky it was winter; she could wear long sleeved shirts without anyone noticing the difference. She convinced herself that it was just to relieve the stress of her everyday life; it had nothing to do with him. No one had noticed. She didn't have a problem.

NCIS

He noticed, he knew something was wrong, she wore long sleeved-shirts more often, she didn't look like she had slept or eaten in a couple of days and she was drinking coffee like there was no tomorrow. The circles under her eyes, spoke volumes. She had lost the spark in her eye, and the clothes she was wearing swallowed her. But it wasn't his place to worry about her. Not anymore.

NCIS

Food. Even the thought of it made her feel sick. She couldn't even look at it without feeling the need to gag. She had eaten maybe an apple yesterday, but she couldn't remember. She had been throwing up steadily, especially after she ate. But it didn't matter; there was nothing left for her anymore. There was no one left for her anymore. Any chance of happiness outside of her job was lost. She had been motivated by her father's death but now that she had killed the bastard who had done it, she felt empty.

NCIS

She had started drinking again. It worried him more than it should. She was reckless when she was drunk. He wanted her to be safe. He would always love her no matter what happened. He didn't want to have to stand on the sidelines and watch her kill herself. He had watched it when she was chasing the frog, but he had promised himself he would not let her do that to herself again, and yet here she was. But this time it was worse, not only was she drinking, she wasn't eating.

NCIS

He was distant, intimate in some ways close in others. I loved him. He never loved me. Not with her always being there. I watched the way his eyes lit up when he saw her. The way he always shed away from my contact, especially in the bullpen when she was watching. The love and concern he had for her was palpable. There was nothing I could do, but get hurt. It wasn't worth that. Especially not when both of them were suffering.

NCIS

They had been dancing around each other since she came back three years ago. They were both hurting. She needed someone to knock sense into her. She was drowning. He was just watching her. Flaunting his newest ex-wife. I don't know how he missed the pain in her eyes every time she saw them together. I never pegged him as unobservant. They used to read each other so well. But now they couldn't even see what was right in front of them.

NCIS

**A/N: Please review. Idea's are appreciated, and criticism is accepted.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I've decided to put in the characters POV's just so there was a reference**

Jenny:

The cracks were beginning to show. That much she was certain. Everyone looked at her like she was about to break. They thought that she was harming herself, but in reality she was just getting her life under control. But they wouldn't understand, so she wouldn't tell them. No one ever understood. No one except…just the thought of him brought her more pain then she was willing to admit.

Abby:

I brought her lunch every day and at first it seemed to be working until Gibbs and Hollis worked another case together. It wasn't fair, Daddy was hurting mommy and he didn't even realize it. Mommy started eating less and less every time I came to see her. And when she did eat I swear it was just to placate me, for I feared that she just threw up the food afterwards.

Ducky:

In my medical and personal opinion, something needed to change. Whether it was someone talking to Jennifer or Gibbs' receiving one of his famous head-slaps, I actually was for both ideas. I watched Jennifer as she went through her day. Noticing how she shed away from contact with Gibbs especially when he touched her arm, she flinched like she had been scalded and that is when I began to worry.

Jethro:

She was thin, always had been but lately she had been taking it to a new and wholly detrimental level. Her skin was pale and lacked coloring; it was the shade of ash. Her eyes were dull, and her hair, far from shinny. Everything about her screamed something was wrong, but she wouldn't let me get close. Hadn't let me get close in nearly two years, before I had gone to Mexico and before everything with the frog. I was worried. Not that I was going to admit that to anyone. Especially not her. For now I just had to hope that she would figure it out herself.

Hollis:

He never had been good with words. Ever. But when I saw his director I knew that he was going to have to learn and fast. I recognized a woman in desperate need, and hoped that he would realize that she needed him before it was too late. I figured that sticking around would make him remain ignorant longer. So I left.

Jenny:

She didn't need help. Especially not from the chauvinistic bastard, how dare he come in here and tell her that she had a problem and then expect her to be open and cheerful with him. Perhaps applaud him for figuring out that something was wrong. Or maybe he just wanted to rub her face in the fact he was happy and she was well... He had no right. As soon as he left she grabbed the knife and pierced through her skin watching as the blood dripped off her arm and down onto the floor.

Jethro:

I hadn't really left. I was worried. She hadn't been herself lately and I wanted to know why. I watched from the shadows as she grabbed the knife in her desk drawer and ran it across her pale perfect skin. Just light enough to pierce the skin and draw blood. I saw her watch, as it rolled off her arm. She grabbed a towel and mopped up the stain, then grabbed a bottle of bourbon pouring a liberal amount into a glass and knocking it back almost instantly. Of course she didn't have a problem.

Jenny:

She grabbed the bottle and put a large amount in a glass drinking it instantly, then immediately regretting it. It was one thing to drink after dinner, but it was another to drink on an empty stomach. She put her hand on the desk steadying herself as she sank to the floor. What had happened to the strong Jenny? The one who had never needed anyone for anything. When had she become so dependent on someone else? She starred at the fire and slowly let herself drift to sleep.

Jethro:

I watched her as she sank unsteadily to the floor burying her head in her hands. She looked so vulnerable that I almost went to her. To ease the pain in whatever way I could. But I knew that I could do so much more if she didn't know I knew what she was doing to herself, so I just watched as she slowly fell asleep. As soon as she fell asleep I emerged from my hiding place determined to help the woman I loved. I cleaned the wound on her wrist but not before noticing others just like it. I cursed at her stubbornness and the ability she had to repeatedly hurt herself. I took the bottle of bourbon from her and set it and the glass on the desk, before picking her up and carrying her to her room. On the walk up the stairs I noticed her beginning to stir. She looked up at me her eyes barely open.

"Jethro" she breathed looking up at me adorably as she tried to asses her surroundings

"Go back to sleep Jenny" I gently commanded her, and for once she obeyed snuggling into my arms as I continued up the stairs.

**A/N: I couldn't resist putting a little fluff in the end. Please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

Jethro:

I was in a dilemma. I couldn't just leave her there. She lay on her bed tucked under the covers sleeping peacefully. That wasn't the problem. The fact that she had hurt herself, while I had watched was. She had been so distant lately. I just hadn't suspected... I sighed and ran a hand over my face. There was only one thing to do now.

Ducky

The phone rang in the distance, Ducky groaned as he rolled over and grabbed it.

"Dr. Mallard" he answered knowing that there were only a few people he would answer the phone for at 0200.

"Ducky…" he heard Jethro's worried voice say "I need your help" that admission in of itself was troublesome but, he sounded worried, which scared Ducky more than any words.

"What's wrong Jethro" he asked in a strained voice hoping that he didn't know the answer

"She's hurting herself. Again I believe" he whispered into the phone his voice wavering only slightly as he watched her sleep.

"What happened Jethro?" he asked "does she need medical assistance?"

"No I patched up her arm pretty good" he answered sighing "I asked her what was wrong, she got defensive, so I pretended to leave. Then I watched her cut herself…" he trailed off emotion evident where none usually was.

"I think you had better stay with her, make sure she doesn't do anything. But under no circumstances are you to allow her to know that you stayed with her. Do I make myself understood Jethro?" Ducky asked, knowing that he needed to be completely clear with Jethro about this. Not because he wouldn't know what to do, but because Jenny didn't need to know that they knew. At least not yet.

"Ok, Duck" he answered, "We'll talk tomorrow" he said as he hung up.

Jethro:

He walked back into the room that Jenny was sleeping in. Her form was smaller, under the covers than it had been before. He walked over to where she was sleeping and studied her trying to find the damage she had done to herself. Her skin was pale; the circles remained under her eyes even as she slept. Though she looked better than she had in weeks, her face finally free of all the stress that had been plaguing her during the day.

He brushed a lock of hair out of her face. She made a small unintelligible sound before snuggling more into the blankets, shivering slightly. She always had been cold. He turned and left the room looking for the cupboard where she kept extra blankets. He grabbed one placing it on top of her before walking down the stairs.

He searched her house for knives, and found some in the drawer in her study, he took them out and placed them in a locked cupboard, using the year of their first date as the combination. He then went to her kitchen and looked around for food. He was saddened and not surprised when he found none in the house. He resolved to get some. He grabbed his keys and walked out the door, accidently leaving his coat on the chair in her bedroom.

Jenny:

The rush of despair traveled through her as she slowly woke up. She studied her surroundings, apparently she had more to drink last night then she thought seeing as she was in her bedroom not in her study. She was also surprised by the bandage on her arm. She had never bandaged her cuts before. They were there to help her ease the pain, they were always a reminder of how much she needed to change. They were meant to hurt, not to heal. She took off the bandage harshly; mad at herself for taking care of the wound. She went to her bathroom and starred at her reflection. Her skin was pale and ashen, her hair limp. She sighed and jumped into the shower.

Jethro:

I walked back into the house and immediately heard the shower upstairs. I quickly unpacked the groceries before turning to leave and go talk to Ducky. Right before I got out the door I remembered that I had left my jacket in Jenny's room. I cursed under my breath before making my way up the stairs. I grabbed the jacket from the chair in her room, and turned to leave. I noticed her coming out of the bathroom wearing only a towel; I could see her ribs. I quickly hurried out so I could meet with Ducky.

Ducky:

Jennifer had always been strong willed, something that had usually been helpful. But when she was hurting herself, I wished that I, or Jethro could change her mind. Jethro showed up a couple minutes later looking strained.

"How is she?" I asked him, he rubbed his face in frustration

"She didn't have any food in her house, and she has lost weight. She also had taken the bandage off her arm when I saw her after I got back" he answered. "I just don't know what is wrong with her Duck"

Jenny:

She was exhausted even though she had slept relatively well the night before. It seemed that Naomi had gone shopping for food, so she decided to eat a little bit. Afterwards she felt guilty, and had immediately went and weighed herself, she wasn't happy, she weighed 113 her goal was 100.

**A/N: Please review**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry this chapter took a while, life has been really hectic. It's angsty at the end, but I hope you like it.**

Jenny:

She lay against the cold tub in her bathroom exhausted from forcing herself to throw-up. She slowly lifted herself off the bathroom floor and went downstairs and grabbed a drink. Bourbon and coffee. That was what was sustaining her now. It would keep the edge off, and keep herself from eating. She decided that as a punishment for eating she was going to have to go for a run. She grabbed her running shoes and ran out the door ready to push herself hard.

Gibbs:

Ducky and I sat at the table starring across at each other trying to find a way to help Jenny and her ridiculous hurting of herself. We both had agreed though, that it was hard to help someone who didn't want to be helped. After the meeting I was feeling a little better but not by much. I was…still am scared about my Jenny…Mine? She hadn't been mine in a while, but that didn't stop me from wanting her. A thought that scared me when I had seen how fragile she had looked. Jenny was never fragile; she was strong, powerful, beautiful, intelligent, but never fragile and never vulnerable.

Jenny:

Her feet ground against the pavement. Every minute, every step, was one step closer to her ideal weight. One step closer to being the way that she longed to be. Every time she went farther she was toning her body riding herself of the unnecessary fat, all the imperfections. All the things that were wrong with her. One more mile, was what was said until she was almost passed out with exhaustion, it was then that she turned around to run home.

Abby:

Mommy needed help. I looking at her schedule everyday and noticed that she was burying herself in work. She never took a lunch break anymore, didn't have the time. No one seemed to notice. But I did! I needed to help her, and the best way to do that was to ask the Daddy. I noticed the worried expression that he had adopted whenever he looked at Jenny. He saw right through the façade she was putting up, and he looked like he wanted to confront her about it. Every time he was about to talk to her something else would come up, he needed to help her fast! Before something happened.

Jenny:

She jumped into her car, and drove to the nearest drug store. After last night she had become convinced that someone was going to find out her secret. And that wasn't going to go over well. Because if they knew they would try to stop her. She couldn't let that happen. She devised a plan. She needed some way of concealing the cuts from other people. From people who might try and "help" her. She grabbed a box of cream that helped remove scars. She bought it at the cash register along with a new letter opener. She seemed to have misplaced hers.

Jethro:

I was trying I really was, but I couldn't get the image of Jenny with blood dripping down her arm. I didn't want to believe that things had gotten that bad, or that I hadn't noticed until now. She was my partner. I should have noticed.

Ducky:

In order to better prepare for the coming months and the struggle that was going to take place, I decided to read up on the effects and causes of cutting. There were things in my book about stress, death, relationships, diet, and personality. Anything you could possibly want to know about cutting was in the book…except how to stop it. But it did however shed some light on what Jethro must be going through, watching her do this to herself. Of course I felt it too, but not as acutely as Jethro, I'm sure. The book helped me figure out that I needed to save _both_ of my friends.

Jenny:

She was having a bad day. Nothing had happened really, it just hadn't been good. The despair had threatened to overwhelm. When she got home, she tried to take a shower. It was just too hard. Living. Living knowing that she had made so many mistakes in her life. What was the point? She felt these questions too acutely to be able to survive. She got into the shower slowly, still wearing a tank top and shorts, and turned on the water to burning hot. She slid down the wall of the shower pulling her legs up to her letting the water stream over her. She rested her hands on her knees and buried her head in her hands. Her hair creating a curtain around her as she silently cried. This wasn't the first time that she had been reduced to this mess, nor would it be the last. It seemed like the world was beating down on her. Everything was falling apart. She couldn't see a way out. There was no way out, she didn't think she could continue. She grabbed the letter opener she had bought earlier and drew it over her legs. Watching the skin turn red. The letter opener wouldn't pierce the skin. But it would leave marks, and that's what she wanted. It meant she could still feel.

**A/N: Please review, they're helpful.**


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